The same modernizing forces that encased a large portion of the globe's surface in pavement, thus allowing for the evolution of the wheeled lifestyle known as skateboarding, also provided the preconditions for a parasitic automobile culture that has turned the human animal into little more than a phantom appendage of hulking metal carcasses that feed of the liquified remains of dinosaurs. This destructive impulse, known as “driving”, has greatly contributed to changing the Earth's climate over the past hundred years. It is the global warming trend that we have to thank for dislodging the noble but unruly beast known as Bigfoot (or “Yeti” in the polar regions) from its native climes, driving them ever southward in search of their preferred diet of twigs and berries. Luckily, no Yeti have been spotted in Beasley Park, where skaters recently gathered for a balmy weekend session in JANURARY, giving some credence to recent descriptions of Hamilton, Ontario as “California north”. But if you do happen to encounter a Yeti, DON'T TRY TO ENGAGE IT IN CONVERSATION, as the few words scholars have managed to record of their complicated system of grunts, squawks and howls have been decipher to mean “Shut up and skate!”
